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Catching Up with Teen Addy
When Addy was born, there were a few different “future” seasons that made me nervous as a mother.
❣️I was terrified of her little heart being broken on the playground in early childhood – those moments where she would run to the swings to play with new friends, only to have bewildered stares and hold-everything “WHAT is THAT?” questions thrown at her instead.
(She survived those just fine. Kids may appear rude, but they’re just exhibiting unpolished curiosity. Once they know what “THAT” is and they’re assured she’s not in pain, the swing-pushing and new friendships carry on as normal.)
❣️I was terrified of her being THAT kid in grade school. You know the one – the easy target for the class bully, who’s usually too lazy to pick on everyone, so they fixate on that one weird-looking kid instead. I was worried she’d be THAT kid, every year, in every classroom.
(She was fine. She got a few power plays from wannabe bullies, but they were few and far between, and nothing stuck. Being unique got a LOT cooler sometime between my childhood and hers!)
❣️And I was definitely terrified of the teenage years. I saw those looming ahead when social-media culture was really taking off like a rocket. Constant comparison, airbrushed photos, self-loathing of flaws, body insecurity… it was rampant among teens, and I was deeply concerned about launching a teenage girl with an odd-looking face into that world.
Well.
Addy turned sixteen (!!) recently.
And the status of the teen years so far?
Fine.
She’s fine.
Awesome, in fact.
So, since I’m probably not the only parent looking ahead to the Teen Season with some trepidation, let me catch you up with Addy and how she’s doing, so that perhaps you, too, can breathe a sigh of relief for your own little one.
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First: How does she feel about her port wine stain at sixteen?
Addy LOVES her port wine stain. She wants to keep it and its current shape. Laser treatments will help it fade, and fade unevenly at that. (The vessels in the front of her port wine stain are thicker and tougher than the vessels on the side of her face, which will fade faster and cause the overall shape to change.)
So, since Addy has decided that she loves her port wine stain, we have done one – and only one – maintenance laser treatment in the last few years. I write more about Treatment #44 here; in summary, we did a clinic appointment (rather than a surgery under anesthesia), and she was awake the whole time.
The best part? The treatment successfully contained some of the growth while maintaining the shape of her port wine stain, to Addy’s liking.
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What about her social life?
Addy loves humans. She loves getting questions about her face. She loves talking about it. She loves asking other people about their unique features.
She knows that imperfect people ask imperfect questions, have bad days, act crabby and mean, and can exhibit some awful behavior. She grew up with that awareness, as we prepared her to handle the myriad questions about her face with humor and grace.
In the teen years, that humor and grace have been incredible assets. She’s been training for this! Teenagers have bad days, act crabby and mean, and can exhibit some awful behavior; she lets most of it roll off her back. It takes a lot to get under her skin now.
And there has been no uptick in bad social encounters. So to those parents who are especially worried about the teen years, let me reassure you that by the time your child gets to high school, there’s a very good chance that all the other teenagers have probably already seen a lot of unique-looking humans, and your child probably won’t turn any heads or attract any undue attention for their odd face.
I say “probably” because anything can happen, but teens seem to be a lot LESS curious about the world around them than small children are, and will probably not even notice an occasional odd face. (And if you have your child in the same school from preschool through high school, as we do, then her face will be old news and already ultra-familiar to all her classmates.)
In fact, the classmates (and even the teachers and administrators!) at Addy’s school recently celebrated Addy’s birthmark on Vascular Birthmark Awareness Day, which I wrote about here.
That said, we still have some hilarious encounters, but they’re usually with younger children (like those in grade school or early middle school).
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Here’s an example:
One evening recently, Addy was sitting next to me in the bleachers at a high school basketball game, and we were just a few rows up from the court. Two girls walked by in front of us (they were maybe 10 years old), and when the girl closest to us saw Addy, her eyes practically bulged out of her head and her jaw dropped open.
She kept walking to keep up with her friend, but I saw her tug on her friend’s elbow, turn back, and point toward us. Apparently, her friend hadn’t seen Addy, so when there was another lull in play a couple minutes later, these same two girls walked coolly and slowly in front of us, very intentionally walking ramrod-straight, facing forward, eyes STRAINING to the side to stare at Addy as they walked by. I chuckled – I knew exactly what was going on – and pointed it out to Addy. She thought it was adorable that they were trying to get another good look at her odd face.
A few minutes later, these girls returned with a third friend, and did the same thing, ostensibly ‘showing’ their friend the sight they’d discovered. It was hilarious. These girls were clearly thinking, “WOAH!” but they were also trying SO HARD to play it cool and not stare, but they were totally staring as they did the walk-by, and it was extremely funny to watch.
Addy made sure to turn her head slightly for full visibility to satisfy their curiosity. They were delighted; they still played it cool.
So overall, the social encounters have been fewer and farther between, and as funny as ever.
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What about makeup?
Addy has what I’d call a healthy relationship with makeup. She uses it to enhance her features, including her port wine stain. She uses a tad bit of foundation on her face, but avoids putting it over her port wine stain, choosing instead to leave it at its full natural color. She enjoys blush but usually leaves it off, preferring to maintain a high contrast between white cheek and port-wine-stain cheek.
She’s heavy on the sunscreen, knowing that her port wine stain will be a bit more sensitive to burning and she wants to avoid injuring that skin. Smart kid.
She loves to look elegant, dressing up for school dances like a modern-day Grace Kelly.
(Had to share: For her formal last year, this lucky girl got not one but TWO parents as chaperones! Every freshman’s dream, right?)
(She had no parents chaperoning this year’s dance.)
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Finding Likeness
Addy still loves to find likeness in the world around her, finding her port-wine-stain pattern in everything from plants to French macarons.
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Addy remains the same outgoing kid who loves to interact with humans. I call her a “human golden retriever,” after the one canine breed that’s as easily social as she is.
She doesn’t worry excessively about her appearance, perhaps because her face has already been the topic of so much conversation and work over the last sixteen years, from strangers’ questions to laser surgeries and doctor’s appointments.
She doesn’t worry excessively about what other people think, perhaps because we had to train her early to let go of any concerns there, and prepare her to turn heads (for better or for worse).
She does worry about other people’s hearts, knowing that when they exhibit mean behavior, they’re probably acting out something they’ve already received themselves along the way, and she wishes better for them.
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The teen years were an unknown factor in the early days of our journey with Addy. Now that they’re here, I want to reassure all of my fellow parents of odd-looking children that it’s SO much better here than I anticipated.
Perhaps it’s better because we’ve already been “in training” for so many of the teenage dynamics. After all, when you’re parenting an odd-looking child, you prepare them intentionally to handle things like meanness pretty early.
Now, here in the teen years, that humor and grace are paying dividends, and it’s awesome.
This is a really fun season.
Your kiddo will be fine.
.
.
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P.S. I want to mention one additional note about our approach to the teen years that has helped simplify the journey for us:
Addy has no cell phone.
She is sixteen.
I will write more about that strange choice soon.
(Please know that I’m NOT judging you if you make different choices. I know many parents who need to equip their kids with communication devices for various reasons! But I will tell you that it has made the teen years MUCH easier to keep that can of worms closed entirely.)
Thank you, and Happy Vascular Birthmark Day!
Addy informed me recently that we’re in Vascular Birthmark Awareness month (the month of May)! And apparently, on May 15, people put red hearts on their face or body wherever their loved one has a vascular birthmark, like a port wine stain or hemangioma. (Check out the difference between port wine stains and hemangiomas here.)
In a spectacular parenting faux pas, I totally forgot that this was coming. I got busy with other things as May 15 drew closer. My head was filled with all the things I had to do, like Zoom meetings with clients. And I forgot about Vascular Birthmark Day.
Until that day.
Addy asked me that morning: “MOM! Are you going to do the thing where you put the red stuff on your face?”
Me: “Honey, I have zoom calls today, I can’t be just putting something weird on my fa-“
[Realizing she was talking about vascular birthmark day, where people put red hearts on the spot their loved one has a port wine stain…]
[Awkward silence…]
Me: “Hand me that lipstick.”
And that’s how I ended up in meetings with a big red thing on my face (just like Addy)!
At School
When I dropped Addy off at school, her school director, Mr. Martinez, asked me for the story behind the heart on my cheek. I told him about vascular birthmark day for Addy… and that’s how Mr. Martinez ended up with a heart on his face, too!
And then… Addy’s friends added hearts to their faces.
And then… friends of Addy’s friends got in on the action, and added hearts to their faces, too.
And then… other teachers asked their students why so many kids had hearts on their faces, so they asked to be hearted-up, too.
And so, by the end of the day, there were A LOT of students, teachers, and staff with red hearts on their faces, for Addy’s sake.
Even “Francis the Mouse”!
I cannot overstate my awe at the love this community shows. I see it all the time as this little school community comes together for each other in different ways. I know the humans here are awesome. But the sheer volume of love we receive from them never ceases to amaze me.
When Addy was born, I feared for her. I feared that she’d be the easiest bullying target in the room — in every room she’d ever walk into. I feared that the pointing, the stares, and the poking of her face she was receiving regularly would make her want to hide away and not be seen. I feared for her confidence, for her mental health, for her perspective of her own beauty.
And while Keith and I have done a lot of work to get her to this point where she’s sixteen, confident, and comfortable (which I’ll write more about soon), we haven’t done the work alone. We haven’t walked this route alone. At every step, we’ve been accompanied by teachers, friends, staff, grandparents, extended family, and hundreds of other people who have spoken life and love and beauty into our odd-looking daughter’s ears.
This May 15 was overwhelming for this mom.
To everyone who put a heart on for Addy, thank you.
Thank you.
Kindergarten (preparing for that first day back)
Last week was our first experience sending Addy to Kindergarten with a purple face (bruised from Monday’s laser surgery).
And we have heard from many (more experienced parents, teachers) that kindergarten is around that age when kids transition from cute little ‘Curious Preschoolers’ to largely self-aware and potentially cruel ‘Big Kids’.
Yes, we were apprehensive. Here’s how we handled it ahead of time:
1) Control the Big Picture: We’re sending her to the same little K-12 school she attended for preschool. Which means small classes (like, a dozen kids here), some familiar classmates, and similarly religious families, all of which help tilt the odds in favor of a kindly reception. It’s not foolproof, but I’d be more apprehensive launching her purple-faced into a kindergarten full of 30 young semi-strangers.
2) Talk to the Teacher: We spoke to the teacher, Mrs. K., a month or two ago to give her the heads-up that this would be coming. She (awesome lady!) offered to let Addy speak to the class in a sort of “Q&A session” to explain her bruising when it occurred. (A chance to be the star? Diva? Center stage? Yes, please!) That way, all the questions can be openly asked, the kids can get all the stares out of their system, and Addy’s in control while it happens. Brilliant woman, this teacher.
3) Teacher to Students: When Keith brought Addy to school, Mrs. K. told him that she had spoken to her students the day before (while Addy was at Children’s Hospital) and given them a heads-up that Addy will look different, and she told them to all be polite. I’ll share Keith’s perspective of his morning drop-off in my next post; in the meantime, I can tell you that it worked.
4) Talk to Addy: The thing about talking to a child is that they have the attention span of a ferret, so we had lots of small conversations leading up to her laser surgery, rather than one Big One. We brought it up multiple times in various settings, making sure to be positive and graceful each time.
Again, this is her 30-somethingth treatment, so she knows what happens at Children’s Hospital – it’s kindergarten we were preparing her for.
“Addy, do you remember what happens at your laser surgery?”
“I get popsicles!”
“Yesss… what else?”
“I … get an IV.”
“Mm-hmm… Okay, do you remember what happens to your face?”
“I have a port wine stain.”
“Yep, you do. But… what happens to it at your laser surgery?”
[blank stare]
“Addy, your port wine stain will turn from pink to…”
“PURPLE!” [her favorite color after pink]
“Exactly. But, the other kids in your class, they’re used to seeing your port wine stain be pink… Do you think they’ll be surprised when they see it be purple?”
“Haha! Yeah, they’ll probably be like ‘Wow! It’s purple! How did that happen?’” [she laughs]
“Right! And what will you say?”
[thinking…]
“You can tell them it’s from your laser surgery.” [repeating that line with her a few times so she can say it comfortably] “La-ser sur-ger-“
“HEY!!! MOM!!! Do you remember when we were watching ‘Finding Nemo’ and the little fish swam away from the shark like…” [and she’s off, reenacting a Pixar scene]
That’s about as much as we could do in one sitting. Later, we would bring it up again, casually, and always (ALWAYS) with genuine smiles, because we want it to be ingrained in every fiber of her being that this is not a negative or worrisome thing:
“Hey Addy! When you have your laser surgery tomorrow, what will happen to your port wine stain?”
“It’ll turn purple!”
“Right! And remember, the other kids won’t be used to it. So they might go “Woah! What’s that?!” [laughing, to keep it light]
“Dad, they know what it is. It’s my port wine stain. Remember? They asked about it before, like that one time at the playground when -“
“That’s right, silly me. But…they might ask why it’s purple.”
“Oh, yeah. I’ll tell them it’s my la-ser-sur-ger-y.”
“Good! And… are you going to tell them about the awesome popsicles you’ll get?”
“Yeah! And my princess toys and pink flavor, too!” [Children’s Hospital has some pretty cool princess toys that she loves playing with every time, and they let her pick out a flavor for her anesthesia mask. It’s a ritual, she loves it.]
“Sure, tell them all about that!”
“Dad, I have a question.”
“Okay, sweetie; what is it?”
“How do mermaids poop?”
…Good talk.
We also tried to broach the subject of possible negative reactions. My mom (Nana) handled this one.
“Addy, when you go to school on Tuesday, what do you think the other kids will say?”
“Hmmm. They might be like “Wow, why is your port wine stain purple?”
“Right… And, sweetie, some people might be rude. They might say impolite things, just because they’re surprised. And that’s okay.”
“Yeah, sometimes people are rude. They might not know how to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. But other people know how to be polite and then they’re really polite in restaurants and they know how to keep their elbows off the table and – ”
“That’s right, Addy! Addy? Focus on Nana here. Yep, sometimes people are polite, sometimes they’re rude, and that’s okay.
“Okay.” [pause] “Can I drink your hot chocolate?”
And with that, we released her back into the wild.
All in all, we over-prepared her. Her classmates are kind, their parents are raising them well, her teachers handled the situation beautifully. It was almost a non-event to walk into kindergarten with a suddenly-purple face.
I’ll include more from Keith’s perspective of that morning’s drop-off in an upcoming post, but for now I just wanted to share some of our ideas, in case any of you are wondering how to ‘chat’ with your own little ferret. And I’ll post more ideas over time; for now, just know that the overarching theme in any such conversation is to be positive and relaxed. Your child will absorb your attitude. So remember that life is good; talk openly, talk like they’re lucky to be special, laugh about all the reactions they may get, and mention negative reactions with grace and empathy.
Just keep the conversations short, before they derail into Pixar reenactments or deep musings about mermaid butts. Once they start down that path, there’s no turning back…
First Kindergarten Surgery
Today Addy went to kindergarten sporting purple laser-surgery bruising for the first time!
As usual, the parents stressed more than the child. We had talked with her quite a bit leading up to this, and I’ll write a post soon to let you know what we covered and why.
In the meantime (we’re all pretty wiped out from the last few days here, so I’m going to bed ASAP), I can tell you that her classmates are cool, her teachers are awesome, we love her little school, and it totally works to tap into a girl’s inner diva.
More later. 🙂
Jennica
What Happened To Her Face? 