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Taming Mother Bear

Last night we went out to eat at Noodles.  It was dinnertime, so there were lots of families with kids.  We found a table in the back, by a family with a couple of little girls who were somewhere between kindergarten and third grade. (I can’t tell kids’ ages, so that’s a guess; older than Addy, still quite a bit younger than tweens.)  While we approached and were getting settled, one of the girls noticed Addy’s face, still quite bruised from laser surgery.  The girl caught her friend’s attention and gestured toward Addy.  They stared wide-eyed.  Then they started whispering furtively together; one kept touching her own cheek while they were discussing the sight.

There was something about their manner that brought back every memory of junior-high-female cattiness – that kind of “Ohmygosh, did you SEE her outfit?” posturing, leaning forward to whisper together importantly, stopping to turn and stare, then ducking back into the gossip.  And it infuriated me.

I could a) ignore them, b) obey my ursine maternal instinct and cross the eight feet between us to give each one a good smack upside the head, c) find a happy medium and just stand there glaring at them until they got uncomfortable, which would have looked weird in public but still been at least mildly satisfying in a passive-aggressive way.

Since I’m not writing this from the local jail, you can assume I went (reluctantly) with Option A.

There were three factors that caused me to pick ‘self-control’ over ‘mother bear’:

1) The girls’ parents were sitting right there, and would have noticed me.  Darn it.

2) Addy was completely oblivious, so… if I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit… no harm done there.

3) There’s a solid possibility that these were actually, truly, good girls.  Girls who would never in a million years intend to hurt anyone’s feelings.  Girls who are too little to understand that their innocent whispering could be noticed, let alone misconstrued.  Girls who have never seen a half-purple face before and are simply trying to figure out what might have happened to it by talking about it together.  Girls who are just old enough to start innocently adopting those chattering female mannerisms that carry such baggage for those of us who survived junior high.

So, I sat down at our table and ate dinner like an adult.  Every once in a while I glanced over to observe the girls, and they seemed to be normal.  I’m not sure exactly what that means (like how nasty the normal ones can get), but at least they weren’t running around hitting old ladies or laughing at people in wheelchairs.  So, maybe I can give them some room to be curious.

I guess I’m learning that it’s a lot easier to handle the questions with humor, than with grace…

Big-Girl Chat

Okay, I chickened out.

I was going to talk to Addy about her stain, in order to preempt any comments from the other kids at preschool.  (“Why is your face pink?”  “What’s on your face?”)  But, when I’ve seen her get questions in the past, she has generally just looked blankly at the interrogator and kept playing… so I figured I’d just see if we could keep that ‘blissfully ignorant’ stage going for a while longer.

As far as I can tell, she hasn’t received any comments or questions at preschool – yet.  But she had a laser treatment on Monday, so the stain is looking mottled and dark purple.  (When the laser kills blood vessels, they get temporarily darker, leaving the stain noticeably darker and bruised for a few days.)  She’ll probably get questions today.

So, last night we decided to put it on her radar, and Keith had a “big-girl talk” with her at dinner.  “Addy, you know how you had a laser surgery on Monday?”  [she nods enthusiastically – she really likes her hospital visits]  “Well, you know how your port wine stain is darker now?  Like where it’s usually pink, and now it’s more purple?”  [she nods blankly…like, what pink?]

So they go to the bathroom, where he holds her in front of the mirror.  “See, Addy?  You know how normally your port wine stain is a little bit pink?  What color is it now?”  She lights up like a Christmas tree: “PURPLE!!”

I had forgotten… purple is her second-favorite color.  “And, and, and, my nose is PINK!”  Pink is her absolute favorite color, ever.

“So you know the other kids at preschool? They – ”  “They don’t have purple.”  (She says it with sympathy.  Poor kids.)  “Well, they might ask you why you have purple.  Do you know what you’ll say?”  “It’s from my laser surgery with doctor Zelickson.”

Okay, so the kid’s picked up more than we’ve given her credit for.  She knows and understands that the laser treatments lead to some bruising (about as much as a 3-year old can, I guess), and she knows that other kids don’t get the privilege of sporting pink noses or purple cheeks.

Can’t argue with that, I guess. We’ll see how it goes today; I’ll probably linger over the drop-off, just to watch the other kids’ first impressions, and to see if I can overhear any questions and watch her respond.  Given her ‘big-girl talk’ with Daddy last night, I’m not too concerned… just really curious!

Preschool!

Addy has officially started preschool!  And aside from the normal mom-isms (“how did she grow up so fast?!”), I’m wondering: how should I handle her stain?  She never seems to notice it; she never talks about it at home, she’s never asked us about it.  She’s very matter-of-fact when it comes up indirectly (like putting cream on that side of her face after a treatment).

So… do I a) bring it up with her to pre-emptively deal with any potential classmates’ questions?  Or b) do I stay mum and just wait for her to ask me?

I’m mildly concerned that if I say nothing, then I’m not preparing her well; after all, I don’t want her to be suddenly surprised by a barrage of questions without warning.  (Fast-forward 15 years: “You threw me to the lions that day!”)  On the other hand, if I do try to prepare her (like how? role-play? she’s 3…), then am I just planting seeds of worry, making a bigger deal of it than her classmates would?

When she started last Monday, I opted to stay mum.  And after two days of preschool (she only goes twice a week), she still seems happy and well-adjusted.  Excellent.  But… should I still bring it up?  After all, aren’t parents supposed to be the first ones to talk to their kids about stuff?  “When they offer drugs, just say no.”  “When they ask about your face, just say __.”  Or does that just give the kid fodder for discussions with their therapist in 20 years?